This is written for my best friend Angie who just got engaged. She was the best Maid of Honour anyone could ask for, and I'm going to seriously struggle to live up to the precedent she set. This is my 'I am an english and journalism major' way of starting out my duties. Most of this is drawn from experience at my wedding, things I'm really glad I did. A few are things I wish I'd done differently, and the whole thing is a big irritated reaction to all the ‘Important Dos and Don'ts from REAL* Brides’, ‘12 Things You’ll Regret Not Doing At Your Wedding’ and ‘Pitfalls to Avoid (Advice from REAL Brides)’ articles that are on Pinterest.
1. Do as little as possible.
Nearly everything in a wedding is entirely dispensable (even the fancy dress), so instead of working out what you don’t need, work out what you do. For example, if you want lots of friends and family you will need a big reception venue. Keeping things to a minimum means you can focus on other things.
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| The important things in life. x |
2. A marriage involves both people, so a wedding should to
This doesn't mean you both need to do everything. Work out what needs to involve both of you, what doesn’t, and who wants to do what. You don't need to subscribe to gender normative stereotypes. Wedding planning is often outlined as extremely gendered actions, which also ends up with the bride having to be the one who is supposed to deeply care about every little detail. There is nothing to say the groom can't have strong opinions about which flowers to have or what the colour scheme should be.
3. Google Docs
Have a spreadsheet you both can access. Update your guest list when you send invites, receive RSVPs and then you can also use it as you open gifts. Also a good place for your budget.
4. Weddings cost money
Accept that you'll have to spend money, and budget. Don't spend more than you can afford and prioritise the important things. My suggestions for what's important money-wise are:
- Making things easy and stress free
- Having a good photographer (memories)
- facilitating an enjoyable time for the people you love (e.g splurging on chairs so your grandparents don't have to stand up at your cocktail reception
5a. Don’t subscribed to the ‘This is MY (or even OUR) Day.’
While you can't please everyone and ultimately are the one who has to make decisions you're happy with there are more important things than having the perfect wedding. People are important, and relationships are important. If there is a family tradition that you don't particularly like but will mean a lot to your grandparents, consider doing it for them. If your best friend needs a ballerina bridesmaid dress…
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| Who wouldn't want to wear this? |
5b. A wedding is a community event (but take care of yourself).
Weddings are often described as a celebration of love, which they are in some ways. But love is not just some mushy feeling between the two of you. Enjoy hanging with your friends, talking with relatives you don’t see all that often, and have a good time. You can actually even spend time apart from each other. Spend a good amount of time hugging your parents, they're probably feeling very emotional.
Depending on what kind of person you are, this could actually being really draining. Take a break if you need to. Have a hide in the bathroom, or something.
Do what you need to do, but don't be surprised if you react in an unexpected way, your own wedding is kind of an uncommon experience.A s someone who finds large groups of people quite exhausting, I was surprised I pretty much powered through the whole day - I can hardly remember any of it though.
6. Invite the people that are important to you.
The guest list is probably the hardest part of planning a wedding. Start with family, sometimes you just have to invite everyone so no-one is hurt, or you have to have a bigger wedding than you wanted because you have a bazillion relatives who all rsvp yes. That's just part of being a family**.
It's pretty normal to categorise people: family, school friends, work friends, university friends... Sometimes it feels like if you invite a few people from one group, you have to invite them all. Go with who you want to invite, even if it's only one school friend but all your work friends and none of your university friends.
7. Don’t do things just because they look like a cool idea on Pinterest.
Pinterest, and other websites, have lots of great ideas and can be good for brainstorming, but don't get overwhelmed or convinced things are necessary when they're not. I found a idea for favours which I liked and ran with it, realising later that I hadn't even considered if favours were necessary (they weren't).
8. DIY is not always best
Unless you're good at it, then sometimes doing things yourself isn't a great idea. Sometimes it seems like a good way to save money, but it can cause a lot of stress. This goes for everything, not just decorations. I am so, so glad I got my hair done professionally, just in terms of not having to bother about it (if you’re anything like me, don’t even bother thinking about what hairstyle you want - so easy).
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| I still think they're cool, but they took so much time and effort! |
9. Just go with the flow
Trust that the people you've asked to do things will do them, and don't worry if things go wrong. Just enjoy yourself.
10. Be Married
Your wedding day is important because of the moment you made a commitment to each other in front of God and in front your family and friends. Not because you had a beautiful dress or a romantic first dance. yay. married.
*worst word ever. What even is a 'real' bride anyway?
**Not if your family aren't people you can be emotionally or physically safe around.
